Forgiato Blow Vows to Crucify Himself "For Real For Real" if Trump Loses Again

CLEARWATER, FL — Kurt Jantz, AKA Forgiato Blow, was spotted on a diamond-encrusted cross early Thursday morning during a march to Donald Trump's rally outside the headquarters of the Church of Scientology. Mr. Blow had this to say, "Trump is here with DeSantis to make a great deal with the Scientologists in exchange for their votes. The stank-ass liberals on X say we're merging the cults, but it ain't like that. All the Scientologists want is a bigger piece of Florida, which is fine because they're true visionary capitalists. A true American success story, you know what I'm saying? They've only been around for what 70 years? Trump raved about how they were able to get tax-exempt. Shoot, I already got a song for their internal ceremonies written and ready to go after the deal is signed." The Scientology voting block measures into the thousands, primarily concentrated in Hollywood, CA, and Clearwater, FL. "They're scattered all across the US,” added Jantz; “everybody says they're all libtard actors, but most of them are disaster relief specialists." We fact-checked Mr. Blow's claim, and there were more Scientologists on the ground in the aftermath of Hurricane Milton than National Guard Troops. However, when we reached out to a spokesperson for the Guard, we were told they were more of a hindrance than a help, blocking roads into the affected areas and clogging up radio channels. Some storm survivors complained they were given copies of Dianetics in their care packages. As for Jantz and his peculiar antics on the cross, he says, "I'll die on it for real, for real like Jesus if liberals were to steal the election again. I'm heir to the Auto Trader fortune, but I will sacrifice all that for MAGA and Trump."